I haven't been completely honest with you guys.

So, I haven't been completely honest with you guys.  I guess I haven't told any lies.  I just often... withhold some things.  I wrote about this almost exactly a year ago when I posed the question, "Is this real life?" wondering if my blog is indeed capturing the real Katelyn.  Although I post a lot, I don't post everything.  Maybe it's an annual review I do but last night it hit me loud and clear again.  I am holding back from everyone on here.

Last night I was having a text message conversation with my friend Kate about what else, but snacks.  She is coming to visit this weekend (yay!!!) and when I inquired what she wanted for snacks she said she wanted some of the hummus she'd seen on here.  "However," she warned me, "When I eat hummus it's usually the inverse veggie/hummus proportions of what you showed.  Like, one bucket of hummus for 10 carrot sticks."

She is talking in reference to the following picture I posted on Friday.

I replied, "Yes, I would prefer to eat a butt load of hummus but I try not to.  AND... My blog isn't always "real life"... aka... you don't see the spoonfuls of straight hummus I ate while I was making it or scooping it onto my plate, ya know?  If I ate as I portray myself on the blog, I'd be so skinny."

And as soon as I wrote the words it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I am purposely withholding my poor food choices from the blog.  I wrote about all the veggies, hummus, and Indian food I ate this weekend but did I mention that after drinking beers all night on Sunday, the second part of our tradition is to go for late night pizza?  And not only did I eat two pieces but one of them was a "chicken bacon ranch" piece of pizza.  Or those cookies I baked?  Yeah, I ate at least 2 cookies worth of just straight raw cookie dough and then two more once they were out of the oven.

Nope, I don't tell you guys any of that.

I think that almost every weight loss blog I read has at some point had an article about eating alone or in secret.  It's something that I think a lot of people who battle weight issues have struggled with before.  It's when you hide shameful eating from the people that you love.  Shoveling candy and then hiding the wrappers at the bottom of the trash.  Ordering a meal for 3 at the drive thru window, eating alone in your car, and throwing out the evidence.  Binge eating alone is a serious driver for many people.  Although my late night pizza with friends wasn't exactly binge eating and it was definitely not alone... I hide some stuff from you guys so that you won't think less of me I guess.  It's my own little form of "eating in secret."

To get over that and move forward, I decided to post a picture of something that is truly embarrassing and deeply shameful to me.  You guys might think it's funny, which I guess in a way it is.  But take a look at the back seat of my car:

Yeah, those are spare running sneakers covered in crumpled Dunkin Donuts wrappers, a McDonalds bag, and an empty cup of TCBY.  Do you guys recall reading about any meals from Dunkin Donuts besides the day I got a bagel after my long run?  Do you recall me writing about TCBY except for the day I got froyo with no toppings and said I had to throw it away?  Do you EVER recall me writing about McDonalds?  Nope, you don't, because I never wrote about any of this junk.  Yet, I literally took this photo this morning as I got into my car for work because it's sitting there as evidence of me being lazy in my eating, lazy in writing about it, and lazy in not throwing away the trash... (woops.)

If I ate exactly what I wrote about eating... my weight would be under control right now.

I couldn't sleep last night as I was thinking of all of this.  Should I really write down every single thing that I eat on the blog?  Would that make this a better, more "real" blog?  Would it help me?  Would anybody come and read this thing every day if it was just a list of food?

And then I realized... no, Katelyn, you don't need to write everything down on that blog.  BUT, you do need to write everything down.  That's why Weight Watchers worked for you and works for others.  When you track what you eat, you can't lie.  You can't paint the best picture of yourself that you wish were true, it forces you to paint an honest picture of yourself.

So I was up last night having this internal battle with myself.  Do I go back to Weight Watchers? I just wrote all about "doing it on my own" and all about how I want to be "normal" and not analyze every single thing I eat.  And it's true.  I do want to be normal.  It's exhausting to have to write down every single bite I take and calculate the points.  I also felt like I was letting you guys down for some reason, or letting myself down if I went back to Weight Watchers after writing about doing it by my own will power. However, it's not helpful to myself or to you to come on here and paint a picture of myself eating baby size portions of hummus and you guys thinking that you're the weirdo for eating buckets of it.

Which is why, as of this morning, I logged back on to my Weight Watchers app.  I really don't want to let myself be okay with these 15 lbs.  And you know what, "normal" isn't losing weight, it is maintaining weight.  So maybe when I get to where I want to be, I can try to be normal.  But until then, I guess I have to realize that I'm not "normal" when it comes to food.  Well, I'm not really normal when it comes to most things, haha.  Which, is evidence by the fact that I hung a pair of shorts on my refrigerator to remind me of what I'm working towards.

Last summer was the first summer in my entire life I felt comfortable wearing shorts.  It's not that they are particularly cute or that I looked particularly good in them... it's just that for the first time ever I felt COMFORTABLE wearing shorts.  Which was huge for me.  I want to feel confident again in these shorts.

We'll see how this goes.  I won't be going to Weight Watchers meetings and I will be monitoring my own weight, just using the online app and tracker.  Which, as it turns out, I never formally cancelled so they've still been charging me the monthly fee and all my data is still there.  Go figure.

I'm going to try and be more truthful with what I write about on here and admitting the bad along with the good.  And I am honest and truly scared to hit "Publish" with that picture of my fast food trash from my car on here.  SO I am just going to tell you this one thing and then publish the post and go to bed for the night (or call my mom, read a bit, dick around on my phone for a bit, and then go to bed, rather.)

I just want to say... that in the Dunkin Donuts and McDonalds wrappers held egg white sandwiches and the TCBY wasn't *that* big and didn't have TOO much candy on it!!! I swear!  Don't hate me :(