Doing it on my own.

Hey guys, hope you're having a happy Wednesday!  So, today's post is a little update on my day yesterday followed by some stream of thought on where my mind is right now.  Hope it's not too long or boring for you because I'd love your feedback/motivation/encouragement/thoughts.  Your support really does wonders for me!

Yesterday I had a really fun evening where I had my friend Andrea over for dinner.  You remember her, right?  She was the sweetheart that gave me all those wonderful gifts before my half marathon!  I made dinner for the two of us that was actually quiet delicious and since Andrea is vegan, I had to alter a few of my recipes to make them work for her.

I started by having a simple guacamole and some carrots out for us.  The guacamole I made last minute because the avocado I had was going to go bad I thought.  I didn't have the ingredients I usually use to make guac but I had some shallots so I chopped up a shallot and added that to a mashed avocado and a little salt.  It was so simple but delicious!  I also made the salad that you've seen on here before... butter lettuce and mixed greens with some fruit and tamari almonds on top.  And some red bell peppers stuffed with a mix of grains, chick peas, spinach, shallots and garlic, with a bit of panko breadcrumbs sprinkled on top.

After dinner Andrea and I went to go see a comedy show... Aziz Ansari from Parks and Recreation!  Now, I've been to a few big name live comedians before (Tracy Morgan, Chelsea Handler, Dane Cook, etc.) and I have to say Aziz was the BEST of any of them.  I did not stop laughing the ENTIRE show.  And not just chuckling in my seat, but laughing loudly.  Something about his delivery just makes pretty much everything he says hysterical to me.  I left the show feeling great, having gotten in a big "Say Cheese" workout and also totally wishing that Aziz and I were best friends and could hang out and talk all the time.  I think that would be very good for my mental health.

Since the half marathon I've been struggling a little bit to get my mind back in the game.  It's been a little tough because my body still hasn't felt completely back to normal... I've been having pains in my right side when I run.  First my hip, now my knee.  I also have been eating way more than I should.  I have still been eating as if I am training for a half marathon, yet not putting in the work to burn it off.  That's caught up to me and I've gained a few pounds.  Which, is on top of the additional few pounds I've gained throughout the past year.

I've sort of convinced myself to be okay with my weight fluctuating a little bit as long as I remain happy, enjoying my life to the fullest, and doing the things I want to do -- like my exercise goals.  Oh, and I also refuse to buy new clothing.  However, it's getting to be summer and I've been looking at pictures/video of where I was at this time of year last year, and thinking of putting on those dresses and shorts I have had tucked away for a year... and it's starting to bum me out.

However, I'm a little bit stuck.  I've spent the past couple months trying to put Weight Watchers points counting aside.  I know it works for me to lose weight.  But I've been doing it for years now and it's honestly just draining to me.  It exhausts me and I just want to be able to eat like a normal person and not analyze every single thing I put in my mouth.

One of the blogs that I read recently had an entry where she was writing saying she wished she could just eat like a normal person.  I commented on the blog saying that I've realized that "normal" people don't have the same addiction to food that I have come to accept that.  But apparently I haven't and I need to take my own advice a bit.  It's so hard and so exhausting to have to struggle with this every single day. It's something that some people will just never understand... which is why groups like Weight Watchers and blogging communities around weight loss can be so helpful.

I'm just tired of it though.  I really want to try and be "normal."  But I'm scared because I don't know if I can.

I am also struggling with the pain while I run.  I did two miles on Saturday and I did three miles on Tuesday (that was total mileage. there was walking mixed in.) and I have been icing my knee all day today due to the result of yesterday's run.  Like any runner that goes through an injured time when they have to lay off, it's frustrating.  But I know I don't want to make it worse and just do what I can to get better before I start working towards my goals of running faster and pushing myself to do more long runs again.

I do know that if I want to be in the same place as I was last summer physically, or be in better shape in general, I need to do more strength training.  Since I stopped doing boot camp I have definitely lost definition and some muscle, which I can notice in how my clothes fit and the way I look.  Why not just go back to boot camp?  I have said before how much I loved it.  Well, it is expensive and it is in a new, inconvenient location, and also because I want to learn how to train myself.  I want to be able to keep this up for my entire life and I'm not sure if attending a class is something that will always be sustainable for me.

So anyways, I'm taking a stab at doing it on my own.  Losing a little weight and putting more strength and interval training back into my work outs.

After training for and running the half marathon on my own, I had this incredible surge of will power and self motivation, determination and empowerment.  I CAN accomplish unthought of things.  I CAN be disciplined on my own with my workouts.  I CAN achieve things on my own.

It was pretty ground breaking thoughts for me as I'm not really used to spending time on my own.  So I think this is my next little personal challenge for myself.  Can I get back in shape and lose a few pounds without weekly weigh ins and counting points?  Without a regular rhythm of classes at the gym and money out of my bank account to force myself to work out?  Can I use my own will power and determination to do this?

I get scared because I think I can't.  But then I remember the feeling of crossing the finish line and remember that I can.  I hope I am right again!