Feeling real.

This morning I started having a short conversation with a friend (Hi Sarah!) about whether or not this blog is "real life" for me.  So, since I don't feel like writing anything positive, I figured I'd write some "real life" for you today.  Here it goes.

I did not want to get out of bed this morning when my alarm went off. And it almost didn’t even wake me. For the first time in a while, my alarm woke me up from a deep sleep. And I had recently changed my alarm so that rather than a harsh buzz or beep, a song would wake me up. Apparently the soothing music isn’t enough to really jar me awake because it was more of a, “Hmmm… what’s that noise?” that I could have rolled over and fallen back asleep to. In fact, somehow my bedroom door opened and the click of the door was what really woke me up with that “WHO IS THERE?!” heart attack feeling.

I forgot to start my car this morning so it was cold and gross when I went to get into it. For whatever reason I was juggling a hundred things in my arms as I left the door and it just felt chaotic and rushed and unnerving.  I met Jess and we tried to run outside this morning but the ground was covered in a snowy slushy mess so I had to go back to my car to get my yak trax. And as I was getting my key out, I dropped my mitten in a puddle. I put on the yak trax and we started running again and went 50 feet before we realized it was actually a sheet of ice on the path with snow piles on the sides from the plows. So we went inside to the gym to run 3 miles on the treadmill. The same exact treadmill I spent nearly 2 hours on 2 days before. My legs felt like lead.

I showered and changed at the gym and the pants I brought to wear today were way too tight. Leaving me permanently sucked in, muffin topped, and pants up the butt. I got a coffee this morning that ended up making me feel like I was sick rather than extra energized, which was not the effect I wanted after finally return to work. Also, when I went to put the coffee in my cupholder in my car, I had to first dump out the ½ drank fountain soda from Saturday. However, after freezing and unfreezing, the soda leaked through the bottom of the paper cup it was in and my cupholder was now full of diet coke. I finally found some napkins to sop up some of the mess and then had to use a random spare maxi pad I found in my car to finish soaking up the soda.

Arriving at work, the weather had turned from just lightly spitting out to downpouring rain, right when I needed to go inside. I tried to wait it out in my car thinking it would let up, but it didn’t. I tried to get inside as fast as I could, juggling those random 100 things, but ended up a soggy mess. For whatever reason I was starving when I arrived at work. And the little kitchenettes at work were filled with chocolates and all the things people probably wanted to rid their homes of after the holidays. So, I obviously had to use willpower – which dwindles when I’m having a crappy morning – to stay away from those. Yes, my stomach hurt from the coffee, but I have a problem and I ate about 25 Hershey's kisses and Ghiradelli chocolate squares.

I made it through the day at work though.  You know expectations are low when just surviving until 5:00 p.m. makes you feel proud.  However, I didn't do what I was supposed to and go to the post office during lunch or stop and make the return I wanted to on the way home from work.  After I worked for the day in my uncomfortably tight pants, I came home and reheated myself a nice bowl of Chicken Pot Pie soup, nice and healthy.  Then decided to have some hot chocolate, because it is ridiculously cold out and hot chocolate sounded good.  Plus, I texted my sister and she reassured me that my hot chocolate was gluten free.  So I made hot chocolate.  Then I decided to have a couple of the gluten free Trader Joe's oreo-like cookies I got this weekend.  A couple turned into 4 and then I checked the Weight Watchers points value on them and saw that EACH COOKIE is 2 points.  That's a lot for one cookie.  So what do I do?  I decide I need to get rid of them all and binge ate the entire box.  When I started to feel sick and couldn't eat the cookies, I started eating just the frosting off the cookies and threw the rest away.  At least that's something, right?  Is that something?

Ugh, I'm feeling pretty pathetic.  I don't even feel sick from all the cookies and chocolate I ate today, because my body is a well oiled machine when it comes to consuming junk food.  However, I am mad and annoyed at myself for how I've been eating today and the days earlier.  How is that for real, huh?  Hope you had a happy Monday. Blah!