Thursday, May 7, 2015

Will I ever be thin enough?

The other day my friend Ari sent me a picture via text messaging saying, "A year ago last year was when you visited in LA!!" and a picture from the trip.  My immediate thought when I saw the picture was "Wow, my face looks skinny. I wish I still looked that skinny."

And a little after I had that thought, I immediately felt sad.  The next thought in my mind was "Am I ever going to be thin enough?"

I have had so many ups and downs with my weight over the years.  I have lost and gained the same 20 lbs many times dating back to when I was in high school.  I have also gained significantly at different points in my life and got to the point where, I was +210 lbs.  Now, I never ever have written a "number" for my weight before right now (so that's actually a big deal, people.)  I worked hard for more than a year and lost a large amount of weight and shortly after that time discovered fitness and running.  My weight has always gone up and down over the years and with that, my self esteem and self confidence.

I have had gone months on end where I have stuck to eating healthy.  Or I have had times when I feel like I only go a couple of days before I binge or break.  Yet, through both of those, I never not felt like I needed to do more.

I have celebrated weight loss and non-scale victories like clothing fitting, or resisting urges.  I also have felt proud of my weight loss and what I had accomplished. Yet, through both of those, I have never not felt like I needed to lose more weight.

I have spend times where I am legitimately in tears, hating my body and the excess weight that I have had.  And I have felt overwhelming pride in accomplishments such as running, exercising, and what my body is strong enough to do.  Yet, through all of that, I have never been completely happy with myself physically.

I have felt embarrassed and uncomfortable with how my clothes fit me.  And at times also felt like hot shit in an outfit.  Yet I have never felt like I was at a place to stop dieting or that I should just maintain.

Which leads me to the question... will I ever be thin enough?  Will it ever be ENOUGH?

Things turn so quickly for me and right now I am in a week or two kick of not eating healthy.  I'd been feeling really positive for a bit and now my mind immediately slides into negative thoughts and feelings towards myself.  I ate bad with my brother and then spent this past week thinking I looked gross in my clothes.  I went to Kansas City for work for the night and ate an AMAZINGLY delicious BBQ sandwich for lunch today with fries and immediately thought, "Ugh, why did you do that?  You are going to have to wear a bathing suit soon and you are going to look gross."

Frankly, I've had enough of it.  I don't want to feel this way any more and I don't want any of these negative thoughts in my world.  I know I can't just say that, and magically I don't have these thoughts in my head though.  But what I am vowing is to work on it.

I don't want to spend my whole life not thinking I am thin enough.  I shouldn't.  I am healthy.  I am strong.  I exercise regularly and continue to push and challenge my body.  I try to maintain a balanced diet, and yes I do indulge a lot.  But it is life, and life is worth living - and eating - and drinking.  I thought about skipping social events this week so that I wouldn't overeat but chose to go out instead.  I am not giving myself permission to go crazy, but I am giving myself permission to love myself.  Extra rolls and love handles and those weird little fat pooches that come out at your armpits.  I am not perfect, but I am ENOUGH.  And as much as I do want to continue to work on my body, manage my weight, I am also going to put in a lot of work mentally as well to not connect so much of my mental state to my physical state.  I feel really scared to share this post for some reason but I'm going to hit "Publish" and move on with my night.  Happy Thursday everyone!

P.S. Been listening to this song on repeat lately.

1 comment:

  1. you are, and have always been, the most beautiful, katie b!!!