Runner identity crisis

What do you do as a runner, or as a person in the universe, when you have achieved a huge goal?  Set a new goal, right?  But then what do you do as a person in the universe when you exceed something that you'd never even set as a goal for yourself because you didn't think it was within reach?  How do you determine what to do next when you apparently don't have clear visibility into what you are capable of?

I've been feeling really conflicted lately.

My time for the Chicago Marathon really impressed myself.  It was not something that I was training for and did not have in my head until a week or so before the race when I was looking at my training data.  It still blows me away to think about.  And what I think about as well is, "If I could hit that accomplishment of breaking 4 hours without specifically training for it, or for speed, what could I achieve if I did train for speed or to hit a certain time?  How far could I go?"

I have been having a hard time lately with the "What next?"

I don't necessarily even mean that literally, because I've got what's next covered for the most part and have spent all my money signing up for races so I don't fall into the post marathon slump I did last year.  I am signed up for three half marathons and a 10 mile run right now.  I have a goal of a new type of race in my future that I am working towards with my first Half Ironman in May.  And I'm excited about working towards these things.  However, only one of those half marathons is a "goal" race, where I will try and beat my previous PR from this year of 1:57 and since the Half Ironman is a new distance, the goal is really just to finish.  However, I question myself with both of these, should I push for more?  And when I think about marathons, I just don't even know what to think.

I keep just wondering, how much further could I go if I REALLY committed? What next?

I can't say it enough, but my time really amazed myself.  I am proving out to be a better runner than I ever thought I could be or that I had in me.  I remember the day when I was saying, "Ha! I will never run a marathon!" to then when I ran my first and thought, "I don't know if I could ever run a race this perfect ever again," which, was literally what I thought after the Paris Marathon.  And now, a year and a half later when I ran a pace a minute and a half faster than I ran Paris, I am telling myself the same things. "I don't know if I can ever run that fast again!"

I'm not stupid.  I do see these patterns.  I do see myself underestimating what I am capable of, over and over.

But still, what do I do next? I heard that when you start running, you have maybe 7 years of improvements just from getting better as a runner and settling into your own.  Which means as I have been running for 5 years, I have maybe 2 years left in that span where it will be "easy" to see improvements before I go stagnant (I have no idea if this is a valid statistic or not, by the way... but I have it stuck in my head.)

So what do I do?

Do I give up my "fun" runs for more intense workouts to see how I can improve?  Do I join more serious runners and find new pace buddies? Do I make qualifying for Boston a goal?  Am I ever even capable of doing that? Am I insane for even typing those words?  What would it take to get there?  What type of investments?  Would it be worth it?  Am I delusional into thinking that I am capable of that at all?

And meanwhile, after I drafted most of this post last night and finish it up today, in between I had a pretty shitty run.  I did a run this morning that ended up being 3.7 miles and felt completely out of whack.  I was out of breathe, I was barely maintaining a 10-minute mile, and my heart rate was way off for what should have been a very comfortable pace for me.  Leave it to running to humble you when you are starting to feel like you've got your shit together.  So, maybe Chicago was the fluke?  And me setting bigger goals is crazy?

In essence though, I feel like what I've been doing has gotten me to a great place.  The casual approach to training plans for my fitness and using Weight Watchers to keep my weight in check and lose pounds when I need to has served me well over the years.  However, I'm at a point where I think I need something else to get me to the next level.  In addition to being a better athlete, vanity wise, I want a flatter stomach and more toned body.  This these next few sentences may seem vain or crazy to some, and trust me, I am very happy with how I look, especially compared to where I've been.  Most days I feel like I look pretty decent but then, I turn to the side in the mirror and feel like it looks as if I am 6 months pregnant.  And I know you are all thinking I am crazy, but I hide it well in pictures and clothing that I post here.  I really dislike my midsection and don't feel that it is out of reach to be able to do something about it.  I am still young and fit and willing to work at it.  I want to do something about it but am unsure if Weight Watchers and running is what will help me make those changes.

So I've been doing a lot of research and a lot of debating.  About a lot of things.  Do I join a triathlon club?  Do I hire a coach to help me get ready for the races I have coming up?  Should I get a trainer at the gym to help get toned?  Do I get a nutritionist or a dietician to become more educated on what the foods I eat are doing to my body?  Do I try an online meal/training plan such as Tone It Up?  Should I try Whole 30 or eating Macros (whatever that means?)  Would going paleo or vegan help?  I've been looking into pretty much all of these options with the idea in my mind to kick things up a notch to get me beyond the point that I've ever been.  To see changes, you have to change things.

All these things cost money though and I hate, hate, hate the idea of spending more money.  The thought that keeps crossing my mind is that if you want different results, you need to do things differently.  I'm looking into finding something that I think might work for me or that I think could benefit me.  But right now I'm having a bit of an identity crisis.  Am I a casual/fun runner and fitness person, or am I ready to take it to the next level of serious-ness?  Sounds silly, but it's been on my mind a lot.

And one of these days I want to make a change to my blog and make it more "official" that the focus over here is less about food and weight, but all around overall health and fitness and running and triathlons and training.  Stay tuned, my bloggy friends.  My mind is buzzing!